23 Famous People Confessed Their Deepest Breadstick Secrets To Us And Honestly We're Not Okay

It started as a simple assignment. Breadstick Ricky had a laminated press badge, a voice recorder from 2009, and a dream. The Boss had a spreadsheet titled "Celebrity Bread Contacts (Do Not Lose This)" that she immediately lost. But six weeks, seventeen hotel lobbies, and one very confusing interaction at a Cannes afterparty later, we had our interviews. All 23 of them. And we are legally required to tell you that every single one of these quotes is completely, entirely, one hundred percent real.

They are not real.

But the emotional damage is.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson Has Been Living a Double Life

"People think I eat chicken and rice," Dwayne told us from what appeared to be a breadstick bunker beneath his Malibu estate. "That's the public Dwayne. The private Dwayne has a standing weekly order from three separate Olive Gardens under the alias 'Mr. Focaccia.' I do not discuss the calories. The calories do not discuss me."

When we asked how many breadsticks he consumes per sitting, he simply flexed and walked backward into a fog machine.

We're counting that as a yes.

Taylor Swift's Breadstick Era Is The One She Won't Write An Album About

According to our completely fabricated but spiritually accurate reporting, Taylor Swift went through what insiders are calling her "Garlic Knot Phase" during the summer of 2019. She reportedly ate artisanal twisted breadsticks exclusively for eleven days while writing what would have been her most critically acclaimed album, before scrapping the whole thing because — and we're quoting our imagination here — "the breadsticks were making her too powerful and she got scared."

"There's a version of me," Taylor allegedly told us through a publicist who does not exist, "who released that album. She lives in a timeline where breadsticks are currency. She is thriving. I am jealous of her."

The fake publicist then asked us to please stop emailing.

Gordon Ramsay's Origin Story Is Both Tragic And Delicious

Gordon Ramsay, who did not sit down with us at a diner in Burbank and did not order the soup, allegedly revealed that his entire culinary philosophy was born from a single traumatic breadstick experience at age seven.

"It was raw," he said, presumably. "Doughy in the middle. No crust. No soul. It tasted like someone had described bread to a person who had never seen bread and then that person baked it in sadness. I wept. I became a chef. I have been trying to avenge that breadstick ever since."

He then, in our imagination, gave a perfectly acceptable breadstick from a nearby basket a score of four out of ten and called it "emotionally confused."

Oprah's List Is Not What You Think

Everyone remembers Oprah's Favorite Things. What fewer people know, according to us, is that Oprah maintains a second list. A private list. A list titled simply: "Breadsticks That Changed Me."

The list reportedly contains forty-seven entries spanning six countries and two decades. Number one has been redacted. Number twelve is described only as "the Florence incident." Number thirty-three is a gas station breadstick from outside Tulsa, Oklahoma, which Oprah allegedly called "transcendent" and "a spiritual event wrapped in sesame seeds."

We reached out for comment. We received back a single breadstick in the mail with no return address. We're choosing to interpret this as a yes.

Nicolas Cage Has Opinions, Specifically About Sourdough Breadsticks

Of all 23 interviews, Nicolas Cage's was the one that felt most real, which is saying something because it was entirely invented.

"I have studied the breadstick," he told us, wearing what appeared to be a cape but was probably just a very large scarf. "I have held breadsticks in seventeen different countries. I have broken breadsticks at sunrise over the Pacific. The sourdough breadstick is not a snack. It is a philosophy. It is a commitment. You do not eat the sourdough breadstick. You enter into an agreement with it."

He then reportedly ate fourteen breadsticks without breaking eye contact and asked us if we believed in fate.

We said yes.

We would say yes to whatever Nicolas Cage asked us.

Cardi B's Breadstick Take Is The Only Hot Take That Matters

"Okay, so here's what I'm saying," Cardi B, who did not call Breadstick Ricky's cell phone at 2 a.m., did not say. "People be sleeping on the cheese-stuffed breadstick. SLEEPING on it. That's a CRIME. That's a whole crime and nobody's talking about it. I'm talking about it. I'm the only one talking about it and I don't understand why."

She then allegedly announced she was starting a breadstick label — not a record label, an actual breadstick label, for labeling breadsticks — and that the first release would be called Okurrr, That's Garlic Butter.

No further details were provided. We are waiting by the phone.

The Ones We Can't Fully Report On (For Legal Reasons That Are Also Fake)

Space constraints and our completely fictional legal team prevent us from sharing every interview in full detail, but here are some highlights from the remaining seventeen subjects:

• One very famous actor (who we are describing only as "extremely Australian") reportedly eats breadsticks before every single performance as a "ritual of carbohydrate intention."

• A Grammy-winning musician who shall remain nameless told us their entire discography was inspired by the sound of a breadstick snapping, which they described as "the original percussion."

• A beloved television host wept openly when discussing a breadstick they ate in 2003 and then wept again when they realized they could never go back to that specific Olive Garden because it was now a Chase Bank.

• One former president (of a fan club, not the country — we want to be very clear) submitted their answers via handwritten letter on breadstick-scented stationery, which we respect enormously.

What Did We Learn From Any Of This?

Honestly? Nothing useful. But that was never the point.

The point is that breadsticks are the great equalizer. Famous or not, powerful or not, Australian or not — everyone has a breadstick memory. Everyone has a carb that shaped them. Everyone has, at some point, stood in a restaurant basket situation and made choices they both regret and cherish.

Breadstick Ricky says this is proof that breadsticks are the universal language.

The Boss says this whole article is going to get us sued by at least four publicists.

We say: worth it.

Have a celebrity breadstick confession you'd like to submit on behalf of a famous person who definitely authorized you to do this? Email us. We will print it. We have no editorial standards and we are proud of that.