We Booked a Night at Breadstick Ricky's B&B So You Never Have To: A Full Review Roundup

There are bed and breakfasts, and then there is whatever is happening at 4 Yeast Lane.

Last month, Breadstick Ricky quietly opened The Crusty Pillow Inn, a three-room establishment whose entire hospitality philosophy can be summarized as: what if everything, including the concept of rest, was a breadstick? The Boss handles "operations," which according to the brochure means "standing at the end of the hallway at all times."

We spent a weekend there under the guise of a tourism review. We left under the guise of survival. Here is what the guests are saying, and by "guests" we mean the nine of us who made it through checkout.

The Accommodations: Sleep Is a Carb Now

Each room features what Ricky calls a "garlic butter memory foam mattress," which is a regular mattress that has been braised. The sheets are described in the welcome packet as "100% semolina blend," and they are warm. Not cozy-warm. Concerning-warm.

One guest, a retired schoolteacher from Toledo, left the following review: "I asked for a firm pillow and The Boss brought me a breadstick in a pillowcase and said, quote, 'It's the firmest thing in the building.' He was right. I miss softness."

The alarm system deserves its own paragraph. There is no alarm. Instead, at 6:00 AM sharp, The Boss kicks open every door and screams "BREAKFAST IS BREAD" until guests descend the stairs. One reviewer noted this happened "even on the day I specifically told them I was jet-lagged and grieving."

The Amenities: The Marinara Situation

The Crusty Pillow Inn does not have a hot tub. It has what Ricky legally cannot call a hot tub, a large copper vessel filled with house marinara maintained at exactly 104 degrees. A small laminated sign reads: "THE SAUCE IS THE SPA."

Guests may also enjoy the parmesan sauna, which is a normal sauna where a staff member periodically throws grated cheese onto the heating stones. A guest from Tampa described the experience as "visually stunning, olfactorily permanent." She reports her car still smells like an Italian grandmother's kitchen, which she admits is "not the worst part of this whole ordeal."

There is also a "do not disturb" policy, except the sign on the door is a breadstick, so housekeeping never knows what to do.

The Dining: Yes, Obviously

Breakfast is bread. That is the whole menu. When a guest from Phoenix requested eggs, Ricky reportedly stared at him for a long moment and said, "The eggs are inside the bread, spiritually." The guest gave one star and then, in an update added two weeks later, changed it to three stars because he "couldn't stop thinking about the bread."

This is the pattern. Every review starts at one star and slowly climbs as the carb fog sets in. The current Google rating is 2.6, but the review velocity suggests it's trending toward a confusing 4.

The Pull Quote That Ended a Career

Marion Delgado, the county health inspector with 22 years of unblemished service, visited the property in week two. Her resignation letter, which we obtained and are legally comfortable printing as a pull quote, reads in part:

"In two decades I have seen things. But when I asked Mr. Ricky what the hand towels were made of and he said 'crumb' and then would not elaborate, I knew my time in this profession was complete. Tell my wife I tried."

Marion now runs a candle shop in Vermont. The candles are not bread-based. She checked.

Should You Stay at The Crusty Pillow Inn?

No. Emphatically no. And yet, bookings are up 40% month over month, mostly from people who describe themselves as "curious" and leave describing themselves as "changed."

The Boss tells us a second location is planned for the Las Vegas Strip, because "sin city needs the one thing it's never had: structure." The rooms will be bigger. The marinara will be warmer. Breakfast will remain bread.

We gave The Crusty Pillow Inn one star. Then we thought about the bread. We're not proud of what we're about to do.

The Crusty Pillow Inn did not sponsor this article. The Crusty Pillow Inn cannot sponsor anything, as it is not technically a business according to the state.