Breadstick Ricky Graduated From an Online Breadstick University and His Diploma Is Rubbery to the Touch

There are moments in every editor's life when you look at a colleague and think, "This person needs structure." For Breadstick Ricky, that moment comes roughly every eleven minutes. So The Boss and I did what any responsible management team would do: we invented a degree program, charged ourselves $49.99, and enrolled him against his will.

Welcome to Breadstick University

Breadstick University (motto: Annuit Coeptis, Annuit Gluten) is hosted entirely on a website I built in one afternoon using a free trial. It is not accredited by any recognized body, but it IS accredited by The Boss, whose authority he describes as "higher than the Department of Education and more willing to return calls."

The program consists of twelve modules, each with a video lecture, a quiz, and at least one moment where Ricky says out loud, "Who made this?" The answer, Ricky, was me. Thank you for noticing the production value.

The Coursework Nearly Broke Him

Module 3, "Advanced Twisting Techniques," required Ricky to submit video evidence of a proper rope twist, a knot twist, and what the syllabus called "the forbidden double-helix, banned in seven states." He submitted the first two. For the third, he submitted a photo of his nephew's pet ferret. He received partial credit and a strongly worded note.

Module 7, "Yeast: Friend or Frenemy?", was a 40-minute lecture I recorded in a closet. Ricky scored 61% on the quiz, which the grading rubric — also me — classified as "a passing grade in the eyes of anyone who has ever met Ricky."

Then came the crown jewel: the semester-long Garlic Butter Lab. Weekly lab reports. Controlled melt experiments. A peer-reviewed (peer: The Boss) paper titled "Emulsification and Its Discontents." Ricky's conclusion, quoted verbatim: "It's butter, but it's also a promise." The Boss gave it an A-minus and wept openly.

The Final Exam

The final was administered at a Denny's in Dayton, Ohio, for reasons that made sense at the time. Ricky had two hours to complete a practical assessment: identify five breadsticks blindfolded, describe the Maillard reaction without crying, and negotiate a discount from a server who had no idea she was involved.

He identified four of five breadsticks correctly (he mistook a breadstick for a breadstick, which the rubric penalized), explained the Maillard reaction using only the phrase "the browning happens," and negotiated a free Coke. Final grade: B+. Cumulative GPA: 2.7, which coincidentally matches the number of breadsticks he can hold in one fist.

The Graduation Ceremony

We held commencement in The Boss's garage. Twelve attendees, one of whom was a mailman who got caught up in the moment. Ricky wore a cap and gown made from a Party City clearance bin and an apron. I played Pomp and Circumstance from my phone until the battery died, then hummed it.

The diploma was printed on cardstock and brushed, per tradition, with garlic butter. This was a mistake. It is now rubbery to the touch, faintly translucent, and smells incredible. Ricky has framed it. It has begun to slowly bond with the frame. Conservators would call this a tragedy. We call it a limited edition.

The Alumni Network Situation

Within 48 hours, Ricky created a Breadstick University Alumni Association LinkedIn group and began mass-inviting strangers, including at least three actual university presidents, a cardiologist who has appeared in this website before, and Guy Fieri's booking agent.

His profile now reads: "B.U. '25 | Garlic Butter Lab Certified | Open to Opportunities." The opportunities he is open to, per a follow-up post, are "speaking engagements, brand deals, and any situation involving unlimited baskets."

He has also begun signing emails "Ricky, B.U." The Boss has begun signing his termination warnings.

Was It Worth It?

Legally, the degree means nothing. Emotionally, it means everything. Ricky reports feeling "certified in a way the government can't take from me," and honestly, isn't that what higher education is all about?

Breadstick University enrollment for the fall cohort opens soon. Tuition is $49.99, the diploma is buttered upon request, and there is exactly one alumnus who will be contacting you regardless.

The Boss would like it noted that he was the dean, the registrar, and the entire board of trustees, and that his labor was uncompensated, as usual.